Psycho killer, qu’est-ce que c’est?….Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away!

It has recently occurred to me that I have unwittingly developed a bordering-on-unhealthy obsession with James Norton (talented actor and eye candy). I realised that, on average, I think about him once every two days, and then very intensely. Sometimes the bounder even invades my dreams. If this meant that I simply turn into a drooling heap of female desire every time he appears in my head I would probably never give it a second thought and would continue lusting indefinitely, in all the innocence of extra-marital hunk-worshipping. If only this were the case.

Gentlemen whom I consider worth day-dreaming about typically fall into one of either two categories. The first comprises handsome blonds (preferably curly-to-curlyish and astride a motorbike): Steve McQueen, Arthur from the BBC’s ‘historical documentary’*, Merlin, and my Kawasaki V900-driving husband (I feel duty-bound to add that this is in no particular order). The second is reserved exclusively for tall, dark embodiments of the god, Mr. Darcy, whether reincarnated as himself in 1995 or as Mr. Thornton (portrayed by Richard Armitage) in 2004 (I am convinced that North and South is an updated version – befitting the great age of Victorian industrialisation – of Pride and Prejudice by the talented Austenite, Mrs. Gaskell).

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Under normal circumstances my figment of Mr. Norton would be pushed (no matter how reluctantly) by me into the former category, being blond and very handsome, but unfortunately my obsession takes on a far more sinister aspect, rendering me utterly incapable of adding him to my list of unattainable desirables. Ever since watching Happy Valley on television I have had an irrational fear that I will find the psychopathic killer, Tommy Lee Royce (who, oddly enough, looks <a href=”http://Identical“>identical to James Norton, pictured in the featured photo – tall, blond, handsome, yet carrying a body…), lurking in my chicken coop, waiting to butcher me. In theory I attend to the ‘Coos’ every other evening, but on particularly black nights I do sometimes plead with my husband that he brave the monster in my stead. He is stronger than me and would put up better resistance, plus I really don’t want to die.

The possibility of such an occurance is entirely feasible (if not practically inevitable) – presuming that the fictitious Royce (or his very real twin) managed to evade the British authorities and find himself (having cunningly stowed away somehow) in Geneva. There, having killed too many people for comfort, he decides to venture south and ends up on a train bound for Lyon. The abysmal weather that we have suffered recently, perhaps causing yet another landslide on the tracks, means that he is forced to disembark at our little halte. After more indiscriminate killing (it is probably a hobby for him by now), possibly whilst holding up the local Carrefour, he does what any self-respecting maniac would do and heads for the hills (I have been tempted to this course of action myself on more than one occasion). There, halfway up a tiny mountain, he reaches our house and discovers a safe haven in our chicken coop. It being my night to lock up the ‘Coos’ I venture nonchalantly inside, and then…blam! There is a knife to my throat before the world turns black and I lurch off to meet my maker.

I therefore made a habit, long ago, of dispensing altogether with nonchalance whilst abroad at night. I walk to the coop stealthily (armed with a torch, for although there are two street lamps on our little country lane it is still dark enough to see the stars clearly), then peer inside before determining whether it is safe to enter. Upon exiting I ram the stiff bolt across the door (the riskiest part of the proceedings as it requires both hands, and for my back to be turned completely), looking over my shoulder as often as possible lest he should have slipped out whilst I was inside, then sprint back to the safety of the house as quickly as I can. If the bolt catches on something and will not slide shut easily I have occasionally started to panic in earnest, probably frightening any passing neighbour as well. I can offer no justification for my lunacy, nor am I ashamed of myself. I am not afraid of the dark – in my younger days as a Scout and Explorer I was very happy to lurk in the undergrowth during Wide Games, waiting to pounce or be pounced on in my turn.

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The Coop

I am sorry, though, to be doing James Norton such a discourtesy. I can only blame my behaviour on his very convincing performance as an actor and on my over-active imagination. When I was twelve, and walking part of the way home from school by myself once a week, I was terrified that an axe murderer (named Max Urder), whom I had created myself for an English ‘ghost story’ assignment, would leap out from behind a tree and attack me. I ran all the way in case he should appear. Two years ago my husband even had to insist that we stop watching Luther on TV because it gave me such bad nightmares (and because at the time I was routinely getting up to get up to feed our infant son in the dark…).

I hope that the poor man found himself a partner before filming Happy Valley, as I am sure that I cannot be the only person to find him absolutely petrifying. However lovely James Norton may be in real life, Tommy Lee Royce is a hard persona to shake off. As for myself, I cannot wait until the clocks go forward next week and the long Summer evenings return…then I may bid farewell to my tormentor until the Autumn!

*It isn’t but I like to pretend. Merlin is terribly inaccurate, but I love it so.
Mots du jour:

Qu’est-ce que c’est? What is it? halte – stop/unmanned station Carrefour – chain of supermarkets (also a crossroads)

35 thoughts on “Psycho killer, qu’est-ce que c’est?….Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away!

  1. Oh dear….. there really is no hope for you. Perhaps I shouldn’t have given you the Happy Valley DVD? Will you ever watch the second series? You should sit down and re-watch P & P to take your mind off it.

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  2. I had to look up James Norton, but having done so, I recognize him! Talking of dark fellows, we were watching Pride and Prejudice the other day and I said, “That’s my favourite Mr Wickham!” (Adrian Lukis). My mother looked surprised and I’m not sure she really agreed… oh well. :-). He does come across as someone Elizabeth Bennet would initially have been impressed by.

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    1. I didn’t want to get in trouble by posting photos that I don’t own so there is only the bad photo of JN. Mr. Wickham was definitely her type to begin with! I really liked Adrian Lukis until I realised that he was the baddie (I was only 8 at the time and didn’t know the story!).

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  3. At our old flat, if you didn’t push the door closed firmly, at some point it would open itself again… but only after looking properly closed for a long time beforehand. I discovered this fact when I got up one morning to find the door wide open, having opened up in the night. Obviously I woke the boyfriend, we checked the flat and found nothing out of place. A while later it did the same thing, but that time it was in the evening and I found it open when I went to the kitchen. That time we obviously knew nobody had broken in, so we concluded it must open itself. That didn’t stop me from having a nightmare that I got up one morning to find the door wide open, assumed it had opened itself again, closed and went into the bathroom (right next to the front door) where I found a little bald man sitting in the shower holding a large knife. After that if I was home alone I always physically locked the door from the inside at night (technically you didn’t need to since it could only be opened from the outside with a key, whether it had been “locked” or not). Aren’t vivid imaginations fun?

    I’ve never seen Happy Valley but the name James Norton sounded familiar so I looked him up. Apparently he had a minor role in Rush, which I have seen but I don’t remember his character at all.

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    1. That’s terrifying. I hope you woke up before anything really psychotic happened. We actually moved because of a burglary. Our appartment was absolutely ransacked and I cam home from work to find the door open and everything thrown all over the place. Husband was socialising elsewhere. We then decided to view our house as a way of cheering ourselves up and to test the waters for our plan of to start proper house-hunting about six months later. We fell in love and made an offer the next day!

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      1. I woke up terrified after he turned towards me grinning and clutching the knife. It felt so real that I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised to get up and find the front door open. Brrrr.

        If we’d ever actually been burgled I’m not sure I could have ever slept in the flat again. I hope you didn’t lose anything too precious?

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      2. God, that is so scary! How did you ever sleep again? I lost everything of value – both monetary and sentimental. And all my jewelry –
        family heirlooms, special milestone presents…it was horrific. Even items that my Granny had given me, which my late grandfather had bought as presents for her. She was never told and it took me such a long time to stop feeling guilty about losing them. Fingers crossed you never get burgled!

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  4. i can relate to the vivid imagination! I live in the deep countryside of norway, without any street lamps too and I spent many evenings and mornings running to and from home. I was also tormented by nightmares since I kept imagining murderers and whatnot appearing in the woods too. It’s weird how our brains work.

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  5. So firstly, I now feel I have to watch Happy Valley. I love a box set! Secondly, I 100% understand that self-convincing that someone is going to jump out and get me. In fact, it happened last night. The Police helicopter was circling overhead,and I was utterly convinced that the blood thirsty murderer that they were obviously chasing, was hiding amongst the daffodils in my garden, waiting to get me when I let the dog out for her wee. Turns out it was an accident in a main road a way off, but, you know, it COULD have been a murderer……….
    I am now off to look up James Norton, in the name of reference of course….

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    1. A very good plan to look up both Happy Valley and James Norton. I think he’s been in McMaffia that has recently been on tv (haven’t seen it – can’t get British tv). I feel you fear completely! He could easily have been in the garden…stay vigilent πŸ˜‰

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  6. You have such an active imagination!
    My parents used to live on a farm with horses & cows & I would never want to go outside at night because it was so dark & I didn’t know if there would be a wild animal or person lurking behind the trees..

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  7. There are some TV dramas I cannot watch – Happy Valley being one of them. I think mostly that if there’s a proper reason for the murder(s) I can rationalise it, and think “No, that wouldn’t happen tome” But if it’s a random psychopath, or even a serial killer, I start to visualise being a murder victim!! I can still remember watching the first “Cracker” with a seria killer who had been traumatised over Hillsborough. I could never see the actor Robert Carlyle in the same way again.
    For a great series, which we have loved, I heartily recommend “Line of Duty”

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    1. Cracker was thrilling! I saw that episode – deeply disturbing! I think that the more talented the actor the worse it is to forgive them afterwards, when they are playing less controversial roles! Line of Duty is fabulous, I agree!

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